Silly Long Car Names that Really could have been Shorter but they aren’t

Some cars have striking model names, others have boring ones and many just have names so that you know who makes them. However, with so many different versions of the same cars, automakers have had to give some of their higher-end models longer names to differentiate them from the lower trim models. As a result, the names of these cars can be tediously long.

Mercedes Benz AMG GT63S 4-Door 4MATIC+ First Edition

We start with the Germans and as stated, this is the First Edition of the AMG GT63S 4-Door. Ridiculous name aside, it was the most powerful car AMG has ever made – that was, until the new GT Black Series and GT63S E Performance.

Porsche Panamera Sport Turismo Turbo S E-Hybrid

Sticking with the Germans, this is the most powerful version of what is essentially a Panamera estate. It is incredibly pretty and ridiculously fast. Also ludicrously expensive – but not as expensive as the Taycan Sport Turismo Turbo S (Turbo even though it’s an electric car).

Land Rover Range Rover Velar Special Vehicle Operations Autobiography Dynamic Edition

This is an even more boring name that I find unnecessarily long. Why not just call it the Range Rover Velar SVR like the Jaguar F-Pace SVR? That’s what it is. Silly Brits.

Bentley Continental Grand Touring Convertible Number 1 Edition by Mulliner

This is pretty self-explanatory as it’s a Continental GTC First Edition that has been luxurified by Mulliner. Still a mouthful to say.

Chevrolet Camaro Z28 International Race of Champions-Z

Yes, this is the Z28 IROC-Z. No I didn’t know IROC-Z stood for that either. Funny enough, the ‘Z’ doesn’t actually mean anything. It was a placeholder that went into production with the Camaro Z28. Weird.

BMW Individual M760i xDrive Model V12 Excellence THE NEXT 100 YEARS

Uhmmm, ja. It’s an Individual version of BMW’s M760i with their ‘Looking to the Future’ words in it. Sounds like Jeremy Clarkson was in charge of the naming.

Audi R8 V10 Plus Audi Sport Performance Parts R8 Edition

So an R8 with performance parts. Why not just call it – oh, I don’t know – an R8 Performance? Looks menacing though.

Nissan Skyline R34 Gran Turismo Racing Victory Specification II Nurburgring Edition

Another one I learned the proper name of. It’s an R34 GT-R V-Spec II. Thank you Gran Turismo 4.

Subaru Impreza World Rally Cross Subaru Technica International Specification-Custom Record Attempt-Racing

Say that fast three times… It’s the WRX STi-C RA-R. Apparently it’s the ultimate Impreza.

Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VI Grand Sport Rally Tommi Mäkinen Edition

Also pretty straight-forward. It is a Lancer Evo tribute to Tommi Mäkinen. It also comes with one of the coolest liveries of any production car. EVER!

Duesenberg Model Supercharged J LaGrande Dual-Cowl Phaeton

Ok, this one just sounds brilliant. I have no idea what a ‘Dual-Cowl Phaeton’ is, but it’s awesome! Beautiful car as well.

Then we get to the people who come up with the most flamboyantly dramatic names – the Italians.

Lancia Delta High-Fidelity Integrale Evoluzione II Collezione Edizione Finale

Yes, one of the greatest hot-hatches ever has a very long, VERY Italian name. Awesome!

Lamborghini Aventador Longitudinale Posteriore 770-4 Super Veloce Jota Roadster

I’m taking liberty with the LP bit, but only because it sounds really cool when you say it like that. Also, this is the Lamborghini with possibly the most wings and inlets in its history. Expensive as well.

And finally, my favourite ridiculously long car name of all.

Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio Verde Gran Turismo Allerggerita Modificata

It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Most people just call it the Guilia GTAm. It is a beautiful car. If someone puts this and a BMW M3 Competition in-front of me and make me choose one, I would have to think long and hard… and then take the keys with the snake on it. I mean, come on – that is the best sounding V6 on sale and it comes standard with an Akrapovic exhaust! It sounds amazing!

And finally, the longest car name in the world. Drum roll please…

Infinity.

Cheap shot, I know.

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©2021 Michael De Kock 

Michael de Kock is a blogger, because he likes it, a Psychology graduate, because he thought it’d be interesting (so many essays) and is busy doing a National Certificate in Motor Mechanics to get more skilled, as he struggles to get a job in this day and age in this country.

In the meantime, why not help him with paying the bills by buying his new book?

125 Writing Prompts for Petrolheads. Now available on Amazon Kindle – https://amzn.to/3lwaUPh.

On Horrid Screens and Expensive Appliances

A while ago, I wrote a blog – actually more of a rant – about the state of Mercedes’ instrument cluster screens and how utterly terrible they look. (https://michaeldekock.com/2020/09/21/mercedes-tablets-for-everyone/) Then BMW came out with their new iX electric SUV that featured Munich’s version of those awful screens. Now, the current 3-Series is getting its LCI (‘Life Cycle Impulse’), BMW’s fancy way of saying mid-life update) and it looks like it will also have the terrible-looking screens. In the camouflaged photo, it’s covered by a piece of fabric, but it seems inevitable.

What the fudge is wrong with the traditional instrument binnacle?! Audi has done a brilliant job with their Virtual Cockpit system, so why not just do the same thing? But no, everything must look like someone stuck an old, thick-bezeled tablet on the other side of the steering-wheel and went to lunch. It’s stupid and unacceptable.

The same is happening with Hyundai nowadays. The new Tucson and Santa Cruz have this ugly, flat and weirdly angled instrument screen behind the steering-wheel. The rest of the interior looks great, but the screen just ruins it and makes it look cheap. And what boggles my mind about the whole thing is that this fugly thing is the part of the interior where the driver will look the most! I’d get distracted by how ugly it is. Honestly, those screens are the only reason I don’t like 90% of the current Mercedes range. I sat in a new G-Class and it almost works as the screens are more integrated into the dash, but it’s still pushing it. I’d rather save my money and get a previous-gen C63 with the brilliant M156 V8 and proper analogue dials.

The only car company that gets away with having tablets as instrument cluster screens is Tesla, as they started it and their cars still look the best with it. The Models 3 and Y’s interior are the most boring of anything currently in the car industry, but they do screens well. I’d still rather have a Model S or X, even though they are ridiculously expensive.

It is fair to note that whilst I rant on and on and on about the state of Mercedes’s screens, they are the company who will sell the Hyperscreen in the new EQS electric saloon. Their current screens are crap, but this new Hyperscreen – Oh, boy, is it pretty! It is a single piece stretching from the driver’s instrument cluster to a screen for the front passenger, with a massive bit in the middle. It’s fantastic! It still seems to have the weird, rounded Mercedes UI buttons/information boxes, but it showcases a properly futuristic design. I can only imagine how cool it will be in an EQGLS, or EQSL, or (hopefully one day soon) an EQSLS. Imagine an actual, viable (and cheaper) version of the SLS Electric Drive, the grand-daddy of the electric supercar.

On to another issue…

A company recently imported a Model X P100D into South Africa and it cost them R3.8 million with the cost of the car and various customs taxes, including a 15% EV tax that South Africa has. EV tax?! European countries give you a DISCOUNT when buying an electric car because you are SAVING the planet! South Africa on the other hand, TAXES the SHIT out of you for buying an electric car just because… Because we apparently can. It’s ridiculous!

If we as South Africans are going to embrace the future of motoring in the form of electric cars, they will need to be cheaper. Heck, we haven’t even embraced the hybrid yet! The Prius is being shunned in favour of the Hilux, Land Cruisers and RAVs whilst Lexus has pretty-much given up on selling their hybrid models here. Now automakers expects boers to trade in their rugged and hard-working bakkies for a Jaguar I-Pace or a Porsche Taycan for two, three or maybe even four times the price of said bakkie?

Good effing luck with that.

Help stop the hate – adopt a V8!

©2021 Michael De Kock 

Michael de Kock is a Psychology graduate, busy doing a National Certificate in Motor Mechanics to get more skilled, because he struggles to get a job in this day and age. Can you believe that? Utterly ridiculous…

All the Car You’ll Ever Need II

I know I’ve written about this before, but I’d like to amend my previous selections. In said previous writings, I argued that all the car you’ll ever need is either a Golf GTI, Volvo V90 Cross Country or a Range Rover SDV8. Whilst those are still brilliant options, time has forced some necessary changes to that list, with the Range Rover being the first to be altered.

Land Rover is discontinuing its TDV8 engine choice, so now you’ll have to buy either a 6-cylinder diesel or supercharged petrol V8 (which is a bit thirsty). Or, you can go for my latest choice which is the P400e. It has a 2.0L inline turbo 4 and some hybrid mcguffins producing around 300KW and 600-odd torques. Oh, and it does around 5L/100KM in a full-fat Range Rover. Yes, it doesn’t have a particularly nice soundtrack, but then again, you don’t buy a Range Rover if you want a sports car.  You buy it because you have money to spend from a trust fund to avoid paying taxes. (Or something like that. I don’t know. I don’t go to country clubs for brunch.) Also, whilst this choice of Range Rover is substantially lighter on fuel, it is also quite a bit more expensive. The P400e is R2.5m. Eish! (Prices were correct at time of writing. Although at time of reading it’s probably doubled…)

Whilst the Volvo V90 Cross Country is still the best pick of the lot, I’d like to add another fast estate to the list – particularly the BMW 330d Touring/BMW M340d Touring/Alpina D3 Touring. Now here in South Africa, we don’t get the Touring version of the 3-Series – or the Alpina at all, which is just a little bit sad. I have always loved the 330d with those straight-6 turbodiesels – lots of power, lots of torque and ridiculously economical for what it is. Then Alpina came along, did their thing and made them even better – more power, more torque, more comfort and brilliant styling.

Finally, we come to the Golf GTI. I’m going to come right out and say it: I don’t like the new one. Actually, it’s mostly the iffy front-end styling bothering me. It looks like a dead fish. Also, it doesn’t look like the new Golf 8, but rather a botched facelift of the Golf 7 – which looked brilliant! There is a blue Golf 7 R living not too far from me and I love looking at it. The angular styling just works in the same way that the new one’s doesn’t.

So I have to amend my Golf GTI pick. But what to choose? Certainly not the new BMW M135i which is one of the worst-looking things on the road. Not a Honda Civic Type-R, because they are way too expensive. Nothing from Toyota, because everything they make are as bland as bricks (apart from the new GR Yaris – and the Supra doesn’t count, due to obvious German reasons).

I actually cannot think of a single other small-ish, practical, comfortable and fast hot-hatch better than a Golf GTI. The Focus RS is too macho (and expensive), the A45S has too much power (and is expensive), the previously mentioned M135i is too ugly (and expensive), the RS3 is just meh (and expensive), the Megane RS’s styling looks too much like a race car (and is expensive) and the Civic Type-R seems like it would rather be flown than be driven with its assortment of spoilers and fins. In that case, why not buy a Golf GTI that isn’t a Golf GTI, but that still is a Golf GTI? Why not a Skoda Octavia vRS? Or a SEAT Leon Cupra? They are both VW products, specifically Golf GTIs, but they are cheaper and more practical. Plus the Octavia has optional all-wheel-drive and you can even get it as a diesel!

There we have it. If you want a fast, practical, comfortable car that doesn’t let you pay an exorbitant amount of money at the pumps, buy a Skoda Octavia vRS.

For those countries that don’t have access to non-VW VW products (like us here in SA), your choices are a Volvo V90 Cross Country, Range Rover P400e or BMW 330d.

Personally, I’d have the 330d. Then again, I am massively bias…

Help stop the hate – adopt a V8!

©2021 Michael De Kock 

Michael de Kock is a Psychology graduate, busy doing a National Certificate in Motor Mechanics to get more skilled, because he struggles to get a job in this day and age. Can you believe that? He can’t…